fist fuck off

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fist fuck off

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	2004.10.14 13.41 the end has come. the end is near. the end is my reflection in the mirror hey everyone. i'm really sorry. i love all of you who love me and care about me. i know that things will change, and things will eventually be different. but i can't wait around for it. basically, all i can tell you is that i will see you again someday, don't be sad for me. this is for the best. i just have to do this. i can't tell you why, you wouldn't understand. scotty is at work right now. i left him a very long letter on the front door, so he doesn't have to walk in on it, if he doesn't want to see it. i also set up all the things you are supposed to, like a grave plot and a casket. i just didn't let the people know it was exactly for me. anyway. thank fo you everyone who has stayed true to me. i love you so much. i'm really sorry for hurting you. beleive me, it's for the best. April, Stella, i love you girls. i wouldn't have met you, stella, if it weren't for april. and april, i wouldn't have gotten so close with you if it weren't for you freak cousins, lol. i really do love you girls. if it weren't for Raevyn coming into the picture when she did, i probably would have ended up with you, Stella. you know i've always loved you. Heather, you are one cool kid. don't let people fuck with you, ok. i know i haven't been around at all lately, but you were one of my favorite people to talk to online. take care of yourself, ok. this is really hard for me to type this to you all. i know i will miss you all so much. i love you more than words can describe. when you all get a chance, listen to this song. it's beautiful. Glycerine-Bush Must be your skin I'm sinking in must be for real cuz now I can feel and I didn't mind it's not my kind not my time to wonder why everything's gone white and everything's gray now you're here now you're away I don't want this remember that I'll never forget where you're at don't let the days go by glycerine I'm never alone I'm alone all the time are you at one or do you lie we live in a wheel where everyone steals but when we rise it's like strawberry fields if I treated you bad you bruise my face couldn't love you more you got a beautiful taste don't let the days go by could have been easier on you I couldn't change though I wanted to could have been easier by three our old friend fear and you and me glycerine [repeat] don't let the days go by glycerine I needed you more when we wanted us less I could not kiss just regress it might just be clear simple and plain that's just fine that's just one of my names don't let the days go by could've been easier on you glycerine i'll see you all again one day, i promise. i love you. ~++Brad++~ Mood: crying my fucking eyes out



	2004.10.04 13.52 bet you all thought i died!!! hey everyone. ummmm....... god, it's been forever. i'm really really sorry. i kinda forgot about this thing. basically, from where i left off... i was sick for awhile, then i got better. scotty and i were gonna get married, then the whole NO GAY MARRIAGES thing, now i don't know what is going on with that law. i did a few photo shoots, but then i got in a fist fight with a photographer and was suspended for awhile. my agent got really pissed at me, and i told him to shove it. so i quit. scotty quit too, to support my movement, lol. we sold our apartment and moved into a small house that we pay rent on. my cousin Andrea called me and told me that my aunt Sandy was in the hospital. so we drove down to Ohio to see them. she's all right now (i don't want to go into what happened to her). we stayed in Ohio for about 4 days. i really love the neighborhood there. Andrea told me that her neighbors were moving and i should see about buying their house. i did so and they weren't asking very much for the size of the house and property. so i talked it over with Scotty and next thing we know, we're driving a moving truck down to Ohio. it's really beautiful here. it's nice and quiet. i love it. no one questions me and scotty. no more bar fights and hate crimes. no more annoying photo shoots and publicity lunchs. it's just nice and quiet. I'm working two jobs and scotty is working one. sorry for being so vague, i'm just in a hurry. i'll explain more later. so we're doing great and we're really happy. i like being close to atleast some of my family. i mean, don't get me wrong, i love all of you in Michigan, but i just needed to get back to my roots. when i come back to Michigan, i'll let you all know. i love and miss you kids. ~++Brad++~ Mood: accomplished



	2004.06.14 12.06 so long sweet summer i talked to scotty today. he told me to update for the kids, so here i am. i had to invade one of the editing rooms to get to the computer. i'm going to be coming home soon though. they said that they wanted to take just a few more pictures one location and that was it. the main reason why i've been here for so long is cuz they also wanted me to see the polished off proofs before they sent me and my agent away. i miss michigan. god damn i miss michigan. scotty, jer, and zeke, and CL girls better have a fucking party ready for my return, god damn it!!!!! lol. well, editing boy is getting pissed. so i gotta go. much love fuckers!!!! ~~+Brad+~~ Mood: bored



	2004.02.14 20.36 sorry it's been so fucking long dude, ya know how i was sick? i was in the hospital for about 2 weeks. sorry. i'm getting better now, though. i almost fucking died. it was so fucking scary. i was seriously like, seeing the light. no joke. ummmm... that's pretty much all i wanted to say. me and scotty are trying to work out a date for our wedding. wish us luck. lol. ~++Brad++~



	2004.01.22 15.38 i hate being sick well, i'm still really fucking sick. but i'm braving this splitting headache and updating. i feel bad. i kinda kept scotty up last night, with my puking. i don't get it. i eat so little, and puke so much! fucking sickness! it can kiss my faggot ass! oh shit. reminder to self-don't get angry. it upsets my tummy. well, i gotta go make a mad dash to the potty room. i think i'm going to throw up again. bye sex-machines ~++Brad++~ Mood: still sick



	2004.01.21 15.48 FUCK YOU FLU!! all right, so today i go into my modelling agencies office, right? so i'm sitting there, talking and he said they wanted some test shots taken. so i go down there and get all set up for this shit to be done.... so i'm standing there, dressed and posed, and i fucking PUKE EVERYWHERE!!!!!!!!! the photographer was NOT happy! he started gagging and had to leave the room. the girl that did my make-up started laughing hysterically, until i started puking again. i fell to the ground and vomitted two more times, then practically passed out. i wasn't lying IN my vomit, but right next to it. so anyways, they called scotty to come and get me. it sucked so fucking bad. he felt so bad cuz he was really grossed out when he saw me. i was still on the floor. they changed my shirt for me, i didn't get any on my pants so they didn't touch them, lol. they put on a clean shirt and Scotty and one of the crew members helped carry me out to scotty's car. i felt bad cuz i know that i'm not a very light guy. but they managed well. so i've been in bed ALL day. scotty had to go back to his job, but he waited until he knew i was going to be all right before leaving me. i love him. oh fuck. i'm feeling sick again. i gotta go. i'll try to update again later. ~++Brad++~ Mood: sick as fuck



	2004.01.16 20.33 i'm tired it's been a busy fucking day. i'm so sick of the fucking cold weather. i hate driving in snow. Scotty offers to drive, but i don't like other people driving either. i'd rather stay home and stay under the covers. (don't tell scotty that, he'll tak me up on that and we'll get nothing done!! lol!). i love the show Joan of Arcadia. don't ask. anyways, yeah i'm about to go take a shower and get into my pajama's. i'm so fucking tired. Scotty keeps shooting my seductive looks, but i'm just too damn tired. (never thought i'd say that sentence). ~++Brad++~ Mood: tired



	2004.01.15 16.29 *sigh of relief* yeah, me and scotty are good again. we had THE BEST make-up sex IN THE WORLD!! lol!! it was so great. lol, i'm sure you all needed to hear that. lmao. so yeah, things have gone back to normal, which is gone. Stella-Girl, call me!! damn you!!!!!!!! lol. i'm totally going to have to kick some female ass if you don't!! lol. i heard about some shit that was going down. fuck em, they aren't worth it. you know this. i love you baby girl. me and scotty will throw down for you, if you want to. lol. well, i have to go to fucking work. yes, the world does not stop when snow falls, even though it totally should. lol!! FIST FUCK OFF FUCKERS!!! ~++BRAD++~ Mood: cold



	2004.01.13 11.49 FUCKING SHIT dude, why is it that when it rains here, it rains EVERYWHERE?! april, stella, everyone. what's going on? call me a pussy if you must, but i'm wallowing my self pity in a bottle of Jack Daniels. fuck you if you don't like it. i haven't talked to scotty. i know he's at jer's house. jer at least told me that, so i know he is safe. that at least makes me happy. Josh went home. he called me to tell me he made it safe. and that was the last time i heard from him. why do things have to be so fucking fucked up? i HATE it. fucking kill me now. ~++Brad++~ Mood: drunk



	2004.01.11 10.19 i fucked up..... all right, me and scotty have gotten in tiff's before and i've made some bad judgements about people before, but NEVER has it been this bad. this is what happened.... last night, after me and Josh got back from dinner and shit, we were just chillin in the house and we were talking. i don't remember how we got onto the subject, but he started saying how he thinks he's found his sexuality, and i'm the one that helped him. i couldn't say anything. my mind froze. he leaned in and kissed me, just as Scotty walked in the fucking door. Josh jumped back and Scotty practically ran out the door. of course i went after him. yeah, that wasn't too smart of an idea. when i tried to grab him to get him to stop running he turned around and swung at me. that hurt more than anything in my life. not so much physical pain, but you get the point. anyways... he got into his car and took off. i went back in to the house and told Josh that he has to leave. he didn't get it, of course. but still, he has to leave. i'd rather lose a friend than the one i love. scotty means the world to me. how the FUCK did i let this shit happen? well, i'm going to call around to Jer's and a few other friends to see if he went there. maybe he'll talk to me. i won't blame him if he doesn't. ~++Brad++~ Mood: fucked up



	2004.01.10 14.43 I'M SO FUCKING PISSED ok, i understand that Scotty is worried cuz yeah, Josh is a gorgeous kid, but I'M NOT AFTER HIM. ok, this is what happened.... me and Josh were at the club right and my cell goes off. well we're in the fucking club, music is bumpin. NO fuckin way can i hear it, so me and Josh just carry on. well i went to the bathroom and looked at my phone to see what time it was and saw that i had like 15 missed calls, all from Scotty. so i call him back and he starts fuckin SCREAMING at me. "what the fuck!? you can't answer your phone?! i've been calling all night!" i was not about to fight with him in the bathroom on my cell phone. so i said "listen scotty, you KNEW i where i was going! you KNOW that you can't hear shit over the music!" he got really fuckin pissed at that. he started screaming about something so i hung up on him and shut off my phone. i went back out and found Josh. he could tell i was pissed and asked if he wanted to leave, but i didn't. i wasn't about to run fuckin home to get yelled at when i was having fun. Josh is only gonna be here a few more fucking days. well, when i got home, Scotty was sitting on the couch. he asked Josh to leave the room. i told Josh to stay. Scotty started screaming at me. i admit, i have a short temper. i snapped. i grabbed a near by coffee cup and threw it at the wall. it shattered and left a dent in the wall. a plate was next. i threw it on the floor between me and scotty and told him to shut the fuck up. he didn't move. i just turned and walked out of the room. i couldn't stand to look at him. josh walked into the spare room almost immediately after. i haven't seen scotty since. he was gone before i woke up. he left a note on the table that said "be back later" and that was it. i'm kinda happy i haven't seen him. but i don't like him being away while we are mad cuz i don't know if something is going to happen, or if he is going to go out and do something. anyways, i'm fucking outta here. me and Josh and Scotty were supposed to all go out to dinner, but Scotty isn't back, so we're just going to leave. he can find his own fucking dinner. ~++Brad++~ Mood: pensive



	2004.01.09 22.01 i hate friends and loves all right, something that i left out in my entry about coming back from Colorado... as Scotty has written in his entry, i brought back an old friend, his name is Josh. when i would go and see my grandma i would hang out with him cuz he was literally the only kid around. he is a good looking kid, but i don't think i could ever like him like that, plus his sexuality is still questionable. (he's trying to find himself). he's only staying here for about another week. i love you scotty. i do. please don't stress out too much. i love you baby. i have to go now. me and Josh are going out tonight. he's never been to Michigan, so i'm going to take him out on the town tonight. Scotty is working. Mood: ecstatic



	2004.01.03 14.57 i'm back sorry, i've been gone. i had some family affairs to tend to. i'm not doing anything for the rest of the weekend. if anyone wants to do something, call me up, or something. i'd love to see some familiar faces. maybe i'll call Jer or Zeke. i dunno. Stella, call me sometime soon. i haven't heard from you in forever. i missed you when we came down last week. let me know what you are doing within the next week or so, maybe i can get out to see you. april and ash too. well, i gotta go. work just called, i have to go in for them ~++Brad++~ Mood: bored



	2003.12.28 12.17 sorry but... hey, i hope everyone had a Merry Christmas and have a safe and happy new year. i won't be in MI cuz i have to go to Colorado to take care of some family business. i'm leaving in like 5 minutes. i stopped to put in an entry so you guys don't think i died or anything. ~++Brad++~



	2003.12.25 01.06 MERRY FUCKING CHRISTMAS i hope you all got my good presents! lol. just messin. i hope you all are having a happy time! i'm looking forward to seein all my girls soon! i'm just happy to have a few days off work. the mag did a x-mas cover photo shoot. just me this time. but scotty did have some pics taken. well it's past my bed time. i need to get the fuck outta here! ~++Brad++~



	2003.12.19 15.50 why me? ok, i know i haven't updated in a while, but you'll see why in a second. ya know how Raevyn called me and i picked her up and stuff? and she was sleeping in the other room, and hadn't woken up? well yeah, she fucking died. it turns out she wasn't just fucking drunk. she was taking some pills, i don't remember what the doctor said they were, but she was fucking drunk as hell and they didn't act well with the pills so she fucking o.d.ed and fucking died in my fucking apartment. why the fuck does this shit always happen to me? i try to do something good and help someone out, and this shit fucking happens. fuck it. from now on, you deal with your own fucking problems, i'm staying the fuck out of it. you live your life and deal with your own problems. leave me the fuck out of it. Mood: shocked



	2003.12.16 21.21 oh man. leave me alone all right, get this. so i'm sitting with scotty today, watching a movie and the phone rings. he stands up to answer it. he comes back, phone in hand, with a confused look on his face. he hands it to me and says "it's some girl, she's crying." so i take the phone and say "hello" it's raevyn. she's drunk off her ass crying her eyes out. i told her to calm down and asked what was wrong. all she would do was cry. after about five minutes of this i asked her where she was, and she told me. i went out and picked her up. her eye was blackened and she looked like she hadn't slept in days. she also wreaked of alcohol. it was bad. she got into my car and i took her back to mine and scotty's apartment. she showered and passed out in the extra room. the entire time during the car ride back, after i got her, she just kept crying and saying how sorry she was and how she was stupid for losing me. i just kept my eyes dead ahead. i knew it was the alcohol talking and it's not like there was anything she could say to make me want her back. she still hasn't woken up. i don't have a number for any of her family, but i did call a clinic to talk to them about getting her straight and better. i may be a fucker, but i'm not a bastard. ~++Brad++~ Mood: tired



	2003.12.15 16.06 and the pickle went splat i talked to stella today. it was cool. maybe i'll get to see her and the crew over break. dunno, though. i might be going out to the family homestead. i'll let you guys know, though. well, i don't have too much more to say. i'm bored out of my fucking mind. someone call me, or shoot me. please. ~++Brad++~ Mood: bored



	2003.12.12 15.23 fucking christ! don't you people have your own lives to fucking worry about!? hopefully all this fucking shit is over with. jesus fucking christ! i can't handle all the fucking negativity! lol. seriously though. worry about your own goddamned selves! why is it so important if April wears a scarf and a sleeveless shirt?! oh my god! how dare she!? and why are you all so bothered by what Stella said? she was speaking the truth! and the ones that are all offended and pissy are the ones she was talking about! if not, you would have agreed with her! i was in a band, i know a groupie when i see one, stella is definitely NOT one! so back the fuck off my girls before i start throwing down! and those stupid bitches that were fucking with Heather, April, and my Scotty's journals, you need to go to school, learn to spell, and grow the fuck up. you're not even being offensive! you are just making yourself look like a fucking dumb ass! so, before i start to get pissed, lets just stop now, while you are ahead. ~++Brad++~ Mood: annoyed



	2003.12.03 20.34 nothing much new yeah, nothing much to say. i had a boring day. scotty and me had a long talk. we are sorting out our long term lives. wish us luck. ~++Brad++~



	2003.12.02 21.32 oh my fucking god thank god this isn't paper because my tears would be all over it. i'm still crying right now. that was the biggest fucking scare of my goddamned life. i love you to death Scotty, don't ever fucking do that to me again. Mood: scared



	2003.12.01 16.29 blast from the fucking past all right, you guys remember those kids that jumped me and scotty way back in June? yeah, guess who fucking runs into 2 of them points to self of course they recognized me, but before anything happened, one of them got smart and said it wasn't worth it and they walked away. good thing too cuz i've been working out some, and i'm getting pretty fucking buff. it's great. but yeah, guess who else i fucking ran into! Raevyn! the girl i was dating before me and scotty got back together. she looked really bad. i mean, like she's on something. i stopped to talk to her for a minute on my way out of the mall. she has a new boyfriend named Greg. he wasn't with her though. i'm kinda worried about her. shrug oh well. she's a grown woman. her choices, i guess. i just hope everything is all right. but yeah anyways, i have to go in for an interview tomorrow. i would like to say where, but i want to keep the kinda private thank you very much!! fist fuck off ~++Brad++~ Mood: confused



	2003.11.16 10.15 job searching yeah, i'm looking for another job, again. the modeling is bringing in some money, but not enough. me and scotty's money combined is enough to make it, but that's all we have enough for, and that's not cool. so me and him are both going to look for a job. ya gotta have the extra cash to make it!!! lol! wish me luck. so yeah, i'm thinking about redoing my apartment. i'm really fucking sick of looking at all this shit. hmmm... garage sale, or e-bay? decisions, decisions. lol. i don't know who would want all my useless shit anyways. lol! i'll figure it out. hey, Stella, want to do a miral down my hallway? i'm sick of these fucking plain white walls. i know you were bitchin about not having any more wall space in your bedroom. COME PAINT MINE!!!! lol. well, i'm out. i have to shower and shit. ~++Brad++~ Mood: determined



	2003.11.14 15.29 fun stuff yeah, i'm jealous, all my girls are going to see Sugarcult. lucky bitches. I LOVE YOU THOUGH!! rape lots of people for me!! lol. i can't really say that shit anymore, can i. damn. lol!! but i'm happy with my scotty. hehe. yeah, not much is going on. i'm bored as fucking hell right now. i think i'm going to go take a nap, but i'm not sure. watch, i'll go lie down, then get all this fucking energy. fuckin body. oh well. i'm over it. bye fuckfaces! ~++Brad++~ Mood: exhausted



	2003.11.07 21.49 heather love cheer up baby. i know things aren't good right now, and it may seem like nothing ever goes right for you, but things will change. don't worry. no sorrow lasts forever. Mood: contemplative

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